Church Girl

A sacrifice for identity

A couple of months ago, I was in a shop doing my rounds and spotted two 20-somethings. Initially, I could only see the guys from a distance; they were debating with one another while occasionally glancing at me. Trying to mind my business (emphasis on the trying), I ignore them and continue. As I exit an aisle, I spot them walking towards me, and quickly, we are face-to-face. I peered down at their hands and noticed heavily decorated flyers and film equipment - a street interview. One of the “journalists” warmly introduced himself and began circling their intentions, eventually explaining that they were hosting an upcoming nightclub event and proposed that I join their promo video. Entertained, but with a pre-determined decision, I listened. As one prepared to make his offer, the other abruptly and agitatedly interjected:

“Don’t waste your time bro, I know a church girl when I see one.”

Oop- and he was right.

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Identity is a complex and nuanced concept. Even regarding identity as a concept feels fractional. Converging on statehood and conception, as a form of being, but also a continuous process, the convoluted nature of identity has always piqued my interest, particularly the way it is formed and performed.

As humans who, in a general sense, strive to live fulfilling lives, our fulfillment is often contingent on who we are and what we belong to. Though it is comforting to believe that we have complete control over the factors that influence our being, we are guided by the norms around us. Whether by cultural, religious or societal factors, we are shaped to align with a group. This might explain our visceral reactions towards those who are clear outliers, namely by way of antisociality or total altruism; it seems odd. Ironically, although we contend for “unique” and individualized identities, we tend to fall into typologies, finding security and affirmation with them, which then determines the extent of our sacrifices. Further demonstrating that identity is costly, yet the cost for the pursuit of a specific identity is based on its perceived worth and perceived value of the group we are about to embrace.

Referring to the phrasing and emotion behind “she’s a church girl,” I began to reflect on the feelings behind the statement. I could argue that the man’s agitation may have been malicious, but I would rather not think for him. Instead, a more meaningful exploration may be to analyze the lack of value for my identity or even the lack of value for my sacrifice.

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“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your true and proper worship.” - Romans 12:1

Visualize wanting to be part of a sports team. Before joining the team, you may have engaged in activities that, in the moment, satisfied who you thought you were. At the time, you may not have imagined yourself as a member of a team, so you did not live like one. You may have lacked discipline and accountability regarding your habits or goals. There may not have been a direction for your actions because there was no purpose linked to the identity you had chosen. However, upon deciding to join a team, you are now required to submit your body to various routines, regularly exercising and partaking in conscious consumption. You are also required to wear a uniform and use team jargon. There are things that you now have to sacrifice and shift to reap the benefits of this new collective identity as a teammate, and personal identity as an athlete. As your knowledge grows, your identity is informed and affirmed by the understanding of who you are, and eventually, you begin to take on the identity of who the creator of the team intended for you to become. You have paid a price for your fulfillment.

As mentioned, identity is not formed in a vacuum; it requires submitting to a value system that further deepens and enriches something that is already dormant. If we look at a sports team, although you may now identify as an athlete, you have submitted yourself to your body, which is actively degrading. Once your body fails, you shortly follow.

I often ponder my journey to identity in Christ, finding myself trapped in a zero-sum game of constant striving but little to no stability, grounding myself in the instability of emotions, philosophies or even desire, ultimately leaving me with myself, a self that I didn’t know or understand. Identity configurations that are detached from Christ tend to play on fleeting feelings or inconsistencies, continuously leaving us unanchored. Hebrews 12:2 reminds us that He is the pioneer and perfector of our faith, signifying that He is the boundary, the guideline and the anchor. Now, rather than being tethered to performance, I am anchored in grace. As much as I might long for autonomy and power, I do long to belong to someone greater than me. Belonging to Christ comes with a sacrifice that the Bible continues to reiterate (see 1 Corinthians 2:16). But, the significant and divine difference is the call to be living, a sacrifice that is life-giving, restorative and transformative. Jeremiah 1:5 says, “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you…”, This sacrifice that is required is reasonable, not just as an act of worship but a necessity for true self-discovery, laying down what I had thought that I was, to who I am.

Inevitably, whoever I choose to be comes at a cost. It’s up to me to decide the price I am willing to pay and who I will pay it to. And I am satisfied with the sacrifice I am currently making (to be fair, it’s an excellent deal).

*Cover photo reference: Ethel Spowers Tug of war 1933, linocut, 20.2 x 28.4 cm (printed image), National Gallery of Australia, Canberra, purchased 1976